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Very funny and quite appropriate with today being my last day of work.
1. Use your leaving speech to deliver a verbal Zidane-style headbutt. Affairs, expenses scams, inflated bonuses, wigs, how the place has gone to the dogs. Feel the room get colder than an Eskimo’s beer fridge as you give them your wit and wisdom.
2. Leave a challenge for your successor. When President Bush’s staff took over the White House they complained that the Ws were missing from the computer keyboards (as in George W Bush) and that an office had been renamed Office of Strategerie.
3. If David Beckham can cry when he’s leaving his job (as England captain) then so can I. Don’t. Bad move. Nothing is going to fill an office with more horror than the prospect of Jeff from accounts showing emotion. It’s not what open plan is about.
4. Leaving speech II. Talk at interminable length about your own glittering career – that time you really showed them who was boss over the faulty photocopier – and deliver rambling anecdotes about characters who left years ago. Just keep talking, it’s your last day. What are they going to do? Sack you? You’ve listened to them for long enough. Look, I can just keep going…
5. Hand your identity dog tag to the craziest frother in the shopping centre and tell them where they can get free coffee and meet lots of new and hospitable friends.
6. The Mozambique chardonnay has all been drunk at the leaving party, they’re playing the get-your-coat-on music … and that special co-worker is just about to say a final goodbye. But it’s never, ever a good idea to tell someone you’ve worked with for 20 years that you love them. Life isn’t a Christmas special edition of The Office. It’s much more cruel.
7. When you read your leaving card there’s always a great big signature and a message from someone you’ve never heard of. Find out who they are and promise to meet them for a drink… since you’re such big friends. It’ll scare the hell out of them.
8. Check your e-mail in-tray for the bitchiest messages from your colleagues – you know, the ones slagging off people in earshot – and then threaten to send them out to the entire organisation. Watch your leaving present fund grow and grow.
9. Refuse to admit that you’re leaving and just carry on as if nothing has happened and that you’ll be there forever. This is technically known as “the Prescott”.
10. That “exit” interview. This will be the first time you’ve come across the gleaming 20-storey office block occupied by floor upon floor of the “human resources” team. It’s your big chance to tell them exactly… Are they listening? Hello?
By Sean Coughlan
BBC News Magazine
10. Walk up to the guy in front of you and begin an interesting, innovative lecture on the positives of recycling.
9. Lay on your horn and scream out the window “Your emissions are killing me!” See if it helps get things moving.
8. Ask the person driving the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes if the smell makes her crave French fries. Then offer her French fries.
7. Hide under the open car windows of smokers. When they toss their cigarette butts out the window, throw them back.
6. Plow into a Yukon and see if it’s true that they “react” like a tank.
5. Collect road kill for tonight’s dinner. After all, it’s recyclable.
4. Harness a team of trusty street rats to the car. Explain to curious passers-by that you’re just taking sustainable living to an awesome new level.
3. Ask the person next to you if this is the line for cheap gas.
2. Walk around asking hybrid car owners just how silent is their silent running.
1. Turn the car off, get out and push. You’ll get there faster anyway.
Courtesy of Katherine Butler
